I've got The Feeling

I've got a little something on my mind. To keep it to myself isn't really very kind. Pouring out my heart isn't usually my style. But you gave me an inch so I'm gonna take a mile. You see, I'm strong, but I feel like a mouse when you're gone. I'm weak, but I'll take on the world when you're here with me. Where the hell did you get that smile? I haven't seen one of them in a while. Cuz these days, I'm such a boy, I mope around like I've seen it all before, but something has changed. I used to be an open heart. What have you done to me? It could have been anyone. But it wasn't you and it wasn't him, it was me who felt like a fool right then. And I won't be the only one. It could have been anyone. Give me the song and I'll sing it like I mean it. Give me the words and I'll say them like I mean it. Cuz you've got my heart in a headlock. You stopped the blood and made my head soft. And God knows, you got me sewn. You could choose a friend but you don't seem to have the time. I wonder if you ever get to say what's on your mind. Take a little time. I love it when you call. I LOVE it when you call. I LOVE IT WHEN YOU CALL! But you never call at all. So, what's the complication? It's only conversation. I love it when you call, but you never call at all.

My pianos out of tune. I wish it wasn't. I wish that you were mine. I wish that my heart was stronger. My piano is out of tune. I WISH it wasn't! I wish we had more time. I wish that my world was softer... and I'm on a helicopter. I've had this feeling before. My heard is crawling in the mud, mud, mud. I'd feel much better, I'm sure, if I had a helicopter. I had a dream we went away, left this city for a day. You took me southwards on a plane and showed me Spain, or somewhere. But in reality you're not so keen to show me anything, and I thought you liked me. Hey, show some love. You ain't so tough. Come fill my little world right up. Right UP!

I turn on the tap and run some water. Flick a little switch on the wall... I'm hoping you remember what I taught ya. Hoping you remember me at all. I'm strong but I feel like a mouse when you're gone. And I'm weak but I'll take on the world when you're here with me. Can't you see you're in the wrong place? Will you please face it and come home? Everyone knows it. Can you deny it? I was the only one for you. Everyone knows it. Cuz we couldn't hide it. Nobody else got close. It's true! My love was stronger than you think. Much stronger now I've had a dream. Well, I hope you know that I miss you, and I wonder where you've been. And I wonder who you've seen, and I hope that he's a friend. Do I miss you? Yeah. Do I miss you? YEAH. All of a sudden the wind just changed direction. That big black cloud came rolling in. People in love get lost and foolish. People in love get everything wrong. People in love get scared and stupid. People in love get EVERYTHING wrong! At least they're not lonely.

B-b-b-baby, I think I'm going c-c-c-crazy. And why should I be sane without you? They tell me to fight it, but they can bloody well just try it. I'll never be the same without you. Never be lonely. Remember me? I used to be the best-time buddy who you couldn't wait to see. But getting old, it takes its toll, and hearts getting broken lead to people growing old. This telephone's out of use. I wish somebody would take me to your door. I wish that my world was finer, and we were an ocean liner. I've had this feeling before. My heart is crawling in the mud, mud, mud. I'd feel much better, I'm sure, if I had an ocean liner.

So, what are you gonna do with all this stuff? ...pilling up, filling up, taking up. You misunderstand me. All I wanted was some evidence that you really like me. You really liked me. Maybe it's all too much. How come we're so messed up? Maybe I'm not enough... maybe I'm just too much. I put the dog out for you. Travelled beneath wards for you. Down where it's rumbling, suburbs left crumbling. Here's where the fun begins. It's true. But I never knew anyone to make me run, but you do. And that's when the blue picadilly takes me away from the city. Maybe someday you'll forgive me. Twelve stops and home. You journeyed downwards for me. There ain't much left down here to see. You're just too cool for me. You made quite a fool of me. You brought out the school in me, but I never knew anyone tougher than you. And baby I think that I love ya, and there's a short sign above ya. Cuz ain't it a shame? There's another! I think I'll go home. Why are you here again? Twelve stops and home. There is no better friend. Twelve stops and home. Look at the time we spent. Twelve stops and home. When will it ever end? That's when the blue picadilly takes me away from the city. Maybe someday you'll forgive me. Twelve stops and home.

Let me quote, if I may…

So, this morning (at 11:30) Heather and I watched The Devil Wears Prada. Overall it is an interesting movie that displays the delicate balance between one's social life and one's career. However, that's not really what I want to post. One of the main theme songs in the movie for all of the moments when the lead character, Andy (Andrea), realizes that she is compromising pieces of who she is to try and please her boss and further her career is a song titled "Sleep" by a little group called Azure Ray. And so, for this evening, I would just like to post the lyrics as a reflection of the way I feel.

Fill these spaces up with days
In my room
you can go you can stay
I can't sleep,
I can't speak to you
I can't sleep

Now these years locked in my drawer
I'll open to see just to be sure

I can't sleep,
I can't speak to you
I can't sleep

And So I'm reaching out for the one
And So I've learned the meaning of the sun
And all this like a message comes to shift my point of view
And watching it pull my own light as it tips a shade of you

Hold my wine hold it in
no bodys lost
but no body wins

And I can't sleep
I can't speak to you
I can't sleep

And So I'm reaching out for the one
And So I've learned the meaning of the sun
And All this like a message to shift my point of view
I'm watching through my own light as it turns the shade of you

I can't sleep
I can't speak to you
I can't sleep
I can't speak to you
I can't sleep
I can't speak to you
I can't sleep
I can't speak to you
I can't sleep
I can't speak to you
I can't sleep
I can't speak to you

So Much Life, So Little Time

Why does it always seem as though I have a million things to do? There are just way too many things to get done. I'm up every night until at least midnight (generally a couple of hours later) and I still never feel like I've accomplished enough during the day. I have a website for my music that still needs to be even started, I need to do a redesign of my portfolio website, I have about four blogs that need makeovers (and some posts to go with), there are books to be read, AppleScripts to be written, applications to test (and delete if I don't like them), languages to learn (including, but not limited to, French, Italian, German, PHP, more JavaScript, and I'm totally letting my nerdy side hang right out there), and about 999,993 other things that I feel should get done during my day. Yet, I constantly find myself mesmerized in front of the boob-tube catching RGB rays for about 2 hours a day. Even if nothing is on. Worse yet, whenever I watch TV I'm constantly eating. Tonight I had a blueberry muffin, two peanut butter and jelly sandwiches (a definite classic), and I polished off one of those huge boxes of GoldFish snack crackers. Not to say that it was full, half full, or even a quarter full before I polished it off, but I still feel like an omnivorous swine. Even if that adjective doesn't work here. I still feel like it.

On a less pessimistic and whiny note, I was glancing through a book about Swiss design that Dennis got me while he was in Vietnam recently visiting his family, and I realized that my Swiss heritage is very apparent in my work. I'm so grid oriented. Everything needs to be just so; completely organized. Even my codes have to have a certain structure or else they're just not worth my time. I guess in many ways this is a good thing. In a lot of ways I view this as a positive trait, but when combined with my need to have things "perfect" in my eye and my tendency to procrastinate, not a lot gets organized, finished, or even started. The main trouble is that if I don't think I'll be able to finish something the way I think it deserves to be finished, I won't even start it. Not even an attempt. Nothing. By the way, I think about 10 sentences back or so I just started typing to be typing. I'm not even saying anything anymore. It's just one long fruitless rant about already overly-exposed shortcomings.

Blah blah blah blah blah blah.

The end.

Yeah, It's Been A While…But It's Definitely Time

So, it has been quite a while since I have posted anything on here. I haven't even visited my own site to read back on my life or see if anybody has commented. I'm kind of wondering right now if people like my good friend Adam even check this blog anymore or still subscribe to its RSS feed. I guess with this post I shall see. That is, of course, assuming I don't lose Internet connection before it gets posted.

It seems an accurate assessment to relate how often I blog or how lengthy my blog posts are to how depressed I am or am becoming. I say this merely because I have been through it so many times that it no longer worries me. The reason for this current state of "depression" is three-fold:

First, it is winter. There is no denying or dissuading that fact. It simply is. It is cold, it is dark, it is an encroaching trepidation shrouded in mystic clouds of icy foreboding. The things I love about winter—hot drinks, people dressed in black coats covered in lightly falling snow, snow in general, city streets speckled with holiday decor, and the unnatural feeling that everybody is your friend—do not exist where I currently live. It is a frozen wasteland of dangerous roads and masquerading frost shaken from the barren branches of overhanging deciduous trees.

Second is the fact that couples are so much easier to spot in the cold. I'm not necessarily saying that I'm envious of anybody who has found that special significant other, but snuggling with somebody whose presence you greatly enjoy is always fun. I guess it's just easier to enjoy the holidays and to don the holiday spirit if you have someone special to share it all with. Unfortunately I've never really had the honest opportunity at proving this theory correct. I got really close last year, but I screwed it up like I'm oh so prone to do.

The third thing that has me sinking into depression for yet another holiday season is the fact that I have to work right up until the weekend of Christmas. Then I get to go home for a week and spend nine whole days with my sisters and parents. Spending time with my sisters is always a pleasure these days. It's so much easier to get along with them now that we don't actually live together. However, nine days in my house with my parents may just persuade me to love it here in this gelid sinkhole of despondency. There's nothing like staying inside all day in the middle of the woods and playing a card game that nobody but an Adventist could get so religious about.

I guess that's it for the woes of my sad, trite little life.
Merry Christmas everybody. Considering my theory regarding the frequency of my blogging being directly related to the severity of my depression, I'll probably be blogging again in no time.

peace