I've got The Feeling

I've got a little something on my mind. To keep it to myself isn't really very kind. Pouring out my heart isn't usually my style. But you gave me an inch so I'm gonna take a mile. You see, I'm strong, but I feel like a mouse when you're gone. I'm weak, but I'll take on the world when you're here with me. Where the hell did you get that smile? I haven't seen one of them in a while. Cuz these days, I'm such a boy, I mope around like I've seen it all before, but something has changed. I used to be an open heart. What have you done to me? It could have been anyone. But it wasn't you and it wasn't him, it was me who felt like a fool right then. And I won't be the only one. It could have been anyone. Give me the song and I'll sing it like I mean it. Give me the words and I'll say them like I mean it. Cuz you've got my heart in a headlock. You stopped the blood and made my head soft. And God knows, you got me sewn. You could choose a friend but you don't seem to have the time. I wonder if you ever get to say what's on your mind. Take a little time. I love it when you call. I LOVE it when you call. I LOVE IT WHEN YOU CALL! But you never call at all. So, what's the complication? It's only conversation. I love it when you call, but you never call at all.

My pianos out of tune. I wish it wasn't. I wish that you were mine. I wish that my heart was stronger. My piano is out of tune. I WISH it wasn't! I wish we had more time. I wish that my world was softer... and I'm on a helicopter. I've had this feeling before. My heard is crawling in the mud, mud, mud. I'd feel much better, I'm sure, if I had a helicopter. I had a dream we went away, left this city for a day. You took me southwards on a plane and showed me Spain, or somewhere. But in reality you're not so keen to show me anything, and I thought you liked me. Hey, show some love. You ain't so tough. Come fill my little world right up. Right UP!

I turn on the tap and run some water. Flick a little switch on the wall... I'm hoping you remember what I taught ya. Hoping you remember me at all. I'm strong but I feel like a mouse when you're gone. And I'm weak but I'll take on the world when you're here with me. Can't you see you're in the wrong place? Will you please face it and come home? Everyone knows it. Can you deny it? I was the only one for you. Everyone knows it. Cuz we couldn't hide it. Nobody else got close. It's true! My love was stronger than you think. Much stronger now I've had a dream. Well, I hope you know that I miss you, and I wonder where you've been. And I wonder who you've seen, and I hope that he's a friend. Do I miss you? Yeah. Do I miss you? YEAH. All of a sudden the wind just changed direction. That big black cloud came rolling in. People in love get lost and foolish. People in love get everything wrong. People in love get scared and stupid. People in love get EVERYTHING wrong! At least they're not lonely.

B-b-b-baby, I think I'm going c-c-c-crazy. And why should I be sane without you? They tell me to fight it, but they can bloody well just try it. I'll never be the same without you. Never be lonely. Remember me? I used to be the best-time buddy who you couldn't wait to see. But getting old, it takes its toll, and hearts getting broken lead to people growing old. This telephone's out of use. I wish somebody would take me to your door. I wish that my world was finer, and we were an ocean liner. I've had this feeling before. My heart is crawling in the mud, mud, mud. I'd feel much better, I'm sure, if I had an ocean liner.

So, what are you gonna do with all this stuff? ...pilling up, filling up, taking up. You misunderstand me. All I wanted was some evidence that you really like me. You really liked me. Maybe it's all too much. How come we're so messed up? Maybe I'm not enough... maybe I'm just too much. I put the dog out for you. Travelled beneath wards for you. Down where it's rumbling, suburbs left crumbling. Here's where the fun begins. It's true. But I never knew anyone to make me run, but you do. And that's when the blue picadilly takes me away from the city. Maybe someday you'll forgive me. Twelve stops and home. You journeyed downwards for me. There ain't much left down here to see. You're just too cool for me. You made quite a fool of me. You brought out the school in me, but I never knew anyone tougher than you. And baby I think that I love ya, and there's a short sign above ya. Cuz ain't it a shame? There's another! I think I'll go home. Why are you here again? Twelve stops and home. There is no better friend. Twelve stops and home. Look at the time we spent. Twelve stops and home. When will it ever end? That's when the blue picadilly takes me away from the city. Maybe someday you'll forgive me. Twelve stops and home.

Let me quote, if I may…

So, this morning (at 11:30) Heather and I watched The Devil Wears Prada. Overall it is an interesting movie that displays the delicate balance between one's social life and one's career. However, that's not really what I want to post. One of the main theme songs in the movie for all of the moments when the lead character, Andy (Andrea), realizes that she is compromising pieces of who she is to try and please her boss and further her career is a song titled "Sleep" by a little group called Azure Ray. And so, for this evening, I would just like to post the lyrics as a reflection of the way I feel.

Fill these spaces up with days
In my room
you can go you can stay
I can't sleep,
I can't speak to you
I can't sleep

Now these years locked in my drawer
I'll open to see just to be sure

I can't sleep,
I can't speak to you
I can't sleep

And So I'm reaching out for the one
And So I've learned the meaning of the sun
And all this like a message comes to shift my point of view
And watching it pull my own light as it tips a shade of you

Hold my wine hold it in
no bodys lost
but no body wins

And I can't sleep
I can't speak to you
I can't sleep

And So I'm reaching out for the one
And So I've learned the meaning of the sun
And All this like a message to shift my point of view
I'm watching through my own light as it turns the shade of you

I can't sleep
I can't speak to you
I can't sleep
I can't speak to you
I can't sleep
I can't speak to you
I can't sleep
I can't speak to you
I can't sleep
I can't speak to you
I can't sleep
I can't speak to you

So Much Life, So Little Time

Why does it always seem as though I have a million things to do? There are just way too many things to get done. I'm up every night until at least midnight (generally a couple of hours later) and I still never feel like I've accomplished enough during the day. I have a website for my music that still needs to be even started, I need to do a redesign of my portfolio website, I have about four blogs that need makeovers (and some posts to go with), there are books to be read, AppleScripts to be written, applications to test (and delete if I don't like them), languages to learn (including, but not limited to, French, Italian, German, PHP, more JavaScript, and I'm totally letting my nerdy side hang right out there), and about 999,993 other things that I feel should get done during my day. Yet, I constantly find myself mesmerized in front of the boob-tube catching RGB rays for about 2 hours a day. Even if nothing is on. Worse yet, whenever I watch TV I'm constantly eating. Tonight I had a blueberry muffin, two peanut butter and jelly sandwiches (a definite classic), and I polished off one of those huge boxes of GoldFish snack crackers. Not to say that it was full, half full, or even a quarter full before I polished it off, but I still feel like an omnivorous swine. Even if that adjective doesn't work here. I still feel like it.

On a less pessimistic and whiny note, I was glancing through a book about Swiss design that Dennis got me while he was in Vietnam recently visiting his family, and I realized that my Swiss heritage is very apparent in my work. I'm so grid oriented. Everything needs to be just so; completely organized. Even my codes have to have a certain structure or else they're just not worth my time. I guess in many ways this is a good thing. In a lot of ways I view this as a positive trait, but when combined with my need to have things "perfect" in my eye and my tendency to procrastinate, not a lot gets organized, finished, or even started. The main trouble is that if I don't think I'll be able to finish something the way I think it deserves to be finished, I won't even start it. Not even an attempt. Nothing. By the way, I think about 10 sentences back or so I just started typing to be typing. I'm not even saying anything anymore. It's just one long fruitless rant about already overly-exposed shortcomings.

Blah blah blah blah blah blah.

The end.

Yeah, It's Been A While…But It's Definitely Time

So, it has been quite a while since I have posted anything on here. I haven't even visited my own site to read back on my life or see if anybody has commented. I'm kind of wondering right now if people like my good friend Adam even check this blog anymore or still subscribe to its RSS feed. I guess with this post I shall see. That is, of course, assuming I don't lose Internet connection before it gets posted.

It seems an accurate assessment to relate how often I blog or how lengthy my blog posts are to how depressed I am or am becoming. I say this merely because I have been through it so many times that it no longer worries me. The reason for this current state of "depression" is three-fold:

First, it is winter. There is no denying or dissuading that fact. It simply is. It is cold, it is dark, it is an encroaching trepidation shrouded in mystic clouds of icy foreboding. The things I love about winter—hot drinks, people dressed in black coats covered in lightly falling snow, snow in general, city streets speckled with holiday decor, and the unnatural feeling that everybody is your friend—do not exist where I currently live. It is a frozen wasteland of dangerous roads and masquerading frost shaken from the barren branches of overhanging deciduous trees.

Second is the fact that couples are so much easier to spot in the cold. I'm not necessarily saying that I'm envious of anybody who has found that special significant other, but snuggling with somebody whose presence you greatly enjoy is always fun. I guess it's just easier to enjoy the holidays and to don the holiday spirit if you have someone special to share it all with. Unfortunately I've never really had the honest opportunity at proving this theory correct. I got really close last year, but I screwed it up like I'm oh so prone to do.

The third thing that has me sinking into depression for yet another holiday season is the fact that I have to work right up until the weekend of Christmas. Then I get to go home for a week and spend nine whole days with my sisters and parents. Spending time with my sisters is always a pleasure these days. It's so much easier to get along with them now that we don't actually live together. However, nine days in my house with my parents may just persuade me to love it here in this gelid sinkhole of despondency. There's nothing like staying inside all day in the middle of the woods and playing a card game that nobody but an Adventist could get so religious about.

I guess that's it for the woes of my sad, trite little life.
Merry Christmas everybody. Considering my theory regarding the frequency of my blogging being directly related to the severity of my depression, I'll probably be blogging again in no time.

peace

lightning storms rule!

So, there's one really sweet thing about living in Walla Walla: the Western lightning storms. It's great because where I live there are very few clouds in the sky (and the clouds we do have are small, light, and fluffy), there is a full moon out, it is not raining and there is a very slight and gentle breeze, but 100 miles to the west there is an AMAZING lightning storm going on in about 1/3 of the sky. There is the main display right in the middle and it goes off about once every minute or so, then there is the unusual display to its left which goes off about once every 5-10 minutes and has red, pink, and orange lightning. Then, on either side of both of those displays, there are the side-shows which go off about once every 10-15 minutes and are usually quite small, but still bright. It's just non-stop lightning out there. I love it! I rode a bike to the top of a hill and sat in somebody's field of who-knows-what and I just watched the storm for about an hour. It was grand.

Gone, Daddy, Gone

I'm gone. My brain is on vacation, my head is on vacation, my heart is on vacation, my lungs are on vacation. I'm not here...at least not all of me. I think it's about time I just suck it up and be a man.

Peace, love, and lacerations. J/K. Skip that last one.

Dallas

methods of communication

I used to have one of those ICQ accounts and I loved when the little flower next to somebody's name would change from red to green signifying their "online-ness." I also had (have) an AIM account, a Yahoo! Messenger account, an MSN Messenger account, and several online chat-room aliases. I even used to do the "e-mail chatting" thing where you e-mail somebody a little paragraph or so and then repeatedly click "Refresh" until their reply pops up in your inbox. But I think that all of these communication methods are the chatting methods of the past. Even iChat (except for iChat AV) is a thing of the past, as far as I'm concerned. I mean, they're great for the little chats like when you are in class with a friend and you both have laptop computers or whatever... you know, the little chats. But bigger things (like those "e-mail chats") have been replaced by blogging in my book. Somebody has something to say, so they blog about it. All their friends that have access to their blog (especially if they have an RSS feed of the blog) read it and respond in their "Comments" section or by posting a blog post of their own. You can even subscribe to somebody's blog so that it will automatically e-mail you whenever they post or get commented on. I think it's just easier plus it lets people keep up to date on their own time so you don't have to worry about calling them in the middle of class, or finding a time when you can both be online to iChat it up or even "e-mail chat." But that's all my opinion. Pure speculation.

Clap Your Hands!

CLAP YOUR HANDS!
But I feel so lonely
CLAP YOUR HANDS!
But it won't do nothing
CLAP YOUR HANDS!
But I have no money
CLAP YOUR HANDS!
Are you up to something?
CLAP YOUR HANDS!
Where's my milk and honey?
CLAP YOUR HANDS!
But I just look funny
CLAP YOUR HANDS!
I'll just wait awhile

why do I despise documenting my life?

I don't get it. I love blogs. I actually enjoy the moments I do write things down. I, for one, have a very feeble, delicate, and often malfunctioning memory system. I can't remember people's names, even if I went to high school with them, I can't remember the proper dates and times of things that happened in the past or are supposed to happen in the future, I can't even remember what homework I have due in what classes, or when my next test is going to be. These seem like pretty pertinent things to remember. However, I can remember random things like login names and passwords to all kinds of sites and FTP servers, I can remember phone numbers, PIN numbers and how to do math equations. I remember what order my clothes are supposed to be in (I'm a little OCD) but not which clothes I wore yesterday. The thing that scares me most about my memory is the fact that I seem to be losing my childhood. It's like I have a limited number of VHS tapes in my brain on which to store information and I've run out of fresh tapes and now I have to go about taping over things in order to store new information. Both of my sisters have incredible memories of when we were all children. They can remember places, events, names of people, faces, foods, smells, sights, tastes, and touches. It just amazes me whenever we all sit down and start talking about our childhood. My memory just doesn't seem to work that well.

Because of this loss in memory, I should be jumping at the chance to write things down. Even if I am not jumping at the chance to do so (as I am not), I should understand the necessity of writing certain, important things down and I should be doing it diligently out of a sense of urgency if nothing else. But I am not. I write down random things that most likely really won't matter in a few years. Like how awesome a certain concert was, or how much I hate my classes right now, or how I feel like a certain teacher has treated me unfairly, or how little sleep I got. These things are fun to write about and fun to read about (at least for me, but I'm kind of boring), but they should be EXTRAS in my writing. They shouldn't be the main focus. I should be writing down people's names, ages and birthdays in some sort of People Book (more commonly known as an address book), and I should be writing down meetings I have and things that are due in another book (some sort of scheduler or planner, I suppose), and I should be keeping track of my thoughts, mainly my creative thoughts, and recording my jam sessions (because all of my best songs are on-the-spot songs that I don't remember the next day), and writing down things that people say, especially really important things that people say.

However, I think the main reason I don't like writing things down on a regular basis is exampled finely by this post. I write a lot. Needlessly. Everything I'm saying in this post could most likely be summed up in 2 to 3 sentences. I have too many words inside my head and I feel like unless I get them all out I haven't fully expressed who I am as a person. Which doesn't really matter, because what do Joe and Jane blog-reader care about who I am as a person? I'm a people watcher; I can't get enough of watching other people's lives. But I doubt that most people in the world are like me. Most people would be reading this post and wondering to themselves what they can get out of it for themselves. "How will this help me live a better life?" "What knowledge am I learning through reading this?" "What is the thesis and what are the main points of this blog post?" Those sort of questions. Nothing like, "Oh my. How interesting this person's personal problems are."

I'm so jealous

Adam Brody, drummer for Big Japan, getting a drum lesson from Jason McGerr, drummer for Death Cab for Cutie. Lucky punk.

positive tension

22
Originally uploaded by auntnanny.

Two very similar windows, two very similar buildings. They're right next to each other, so what's so difficult? Why is one wall dark and the other light? I bet the one on the left has no idea what the one on the right is thinking. And they've been next to each other for SO long. They don't even view the same things in the same way. So close, and yet so distinctly different.

independent Death Cab music videos II

This week's video, "I Will Follow You Into The Dark," was directed by Monkmus, who, as I said in my last post, also directed the "Year of the Rat" video for Badly Drawn Boy. I rate the video a 7 out of 10. I think it was an okay concept, and the execution of the concept was fairly well done, and the drawings themselves look gorgeous, but I got bored during it. I don't know what it was. The lack of animation, the simple color palette, the never-ending shot...I'm not sure. But something about it bugged me. I really loved his video for "Year of the Rat" though. Oh well. Sometimes you hit it right on, and sometimes you experiment and what you end up with isn't a failure, but one solution to the problem that may not work for the majority of people, but it works. Anyways, along with this weeks video, you can also check out the video for a few weeks from now because I have stumbled upon a link to it. So, here's the link for Death Cab for Cutie's "Crooked Teeth" music video.

Enjoy!

independent Death Cab music videos

It's called "Directions." It's this random new thing that Death Cab for Cutie is doing with their newest album, "Plans." Apparently they offered a handful of independent directors the chance to make a video for one of the songs on the album. Now they are releasing the videos one at a time. Right now (February 13—February 19) they are showing the video for "Different Names for the Same Thing" which was directed by Autumn de Wilde who is a really good photographer and has actually been photographing the band, Death Cab for Cutie, for the past two years. I have seen this week's video and I was able to find a link to the last video that was debuted, "Summer Skin" (directed by Lightborne). I actually like the "Summer Skin" video better because it just seems to resound so well with the unspoken debate between playful, carefree children and busy, drone-like adults. The next video to debut (February 20—February 26) will be for the next track on the album (coincidence...not likely), "I Will Follow you into the Dark," and it is directed by Monkmus, who did the "Year of the Rat" video for Badly Drawn Boy. The video that I am really waiting for with much anticipation is the one for "What Sarah Said," which just happens to be my favorite song on the album.

100 Best First Lines from Novels

No. 47: "There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it." —C. S. Lewis, The Voyage of the Dawn Treader (1952).

As part of one of my favorite series of all time, and being probably my third favorite book in the series, I am just tickled to find that it made the list of 100 Best First Lines from Novels. It is a classic. I think my absolute favorite book from the Chronicles of Narnia series is The Silver Chair. I really love Puddleglum. He is the best! Especially in the old-school BBC versions of the movies. I just had to buy them all on DVD. They're so...awesome (in retrospect). When I watch them now, however, I can totally see how pathetic they were as far as special effects and budget, but for what they were at the time, I think they were really well done. I mean, they fooled me as a small child...isn't that what it takes to be considered "well-done?" Anyways, check out the list. See if one of your favorite books is there.

Panic!

Panic!
Originally uploaded by b_unit.

I can't help it. I just realized that we are three weeks away from dead week (which is never dead), and I have a rough draft of a paper due in 8 minutes which I haven't even picked a topic for. Not only that, but to add insult to injury, I just found out that the opening night of my one act play is Saturday, February 25. That doesn't sound so bad, but guess what else could have been Saturday, February 25 for me...OK Go in concert in Seattle for $15! Seriously! I'm so bummed. But, I guess my girlfriend and I could just go see them by ourselves in Pullman on the 24th instead. But it just won't be the same with out Adam, Ben, Brandon, and Adam's crazy sister...and her even crazier friend. Oh well, I guess this will give Brandon and the "crazier friend" some alone time. (hehe) I think he's developed a slight thing for her. Or maybe not. He's pretty fickle. So, Adam, when this post pops up on your NetNewsWire, I'm sorry that I won't be able to go with all of you to the show in Seattle and I hope that you haven't already purchased me a ticket. But, if you have purchased me a ticket in good faith that I was going, I will be happy to reimburse you for it and offer it to my sister and maybe I'll even pay for the ticket you may have already bought for Nicole and I'll offer it to Dom. They'd have fun. But my sister can be a bit cold when she doesn't really know people. But she likes your sister. So, it'd be okay.

That's all for now. Peace.

what is one to do...

...when a giant wooden capsule comes crashing through your parking lot? I randomly found this whole serious of photos from clicking on a link at Peter Kaminski's blog, which I found by doing a Google Suggest search for "something cool."

Here is a link to the Royal de Luxe site where the photo came from.

Here is a link to the "La visite du sultan des Indes sur son éléphant à voyager dans le temps" site where the link to the site with the photo came from. (This is the site that Peter Kaminski's blog links to.)

the busy life

I'm super busy.
Seriously. I'm really busy.
It's so crazy.

I like doors

Nokerstraat
Originally uploaded by mechelenblogt_jan.

It's true. I do. I totally want to just tour around all the small, quaint "villages" in Europe and take pictures of doors. Red doors, blue doors, green doors, yellow doors, white doors, black doors, pink doors, purple doors, orange doors...all kinds of doors. I just really love pictures of doors. Maybe I should paint one, eh? That could be cool. Not much more to this post. That's pretty much it. Doors.

the good life

Just smoking a cigar in Cuba. You know, if I had a grandma, I think it would be awesome if she was this cool. I say, "if I had a grandma" because mine all happen to be deceased. It's okay. It's not a touchy subject. They both died before I made it to highschool. I do wish I would have gotten to know them more. But, I have a feeling that since they were both fairly strict Adventists, they probably wouldn't be interested in even posing for pictures with a big ol' cigar in their mouths. Oh well. I guess I'm just something random from a not-so-random family. Then again, my younger sister is also quite random. We're just both really cool. Yeah...I'll just keep telling myself that. So, anyways, love this grandma picture. I think it's hilarious!

11 p.m.: really?

Yes, really! Well, that was the idea. Be in bed by 11 every night. Not so difficult, right? So far: yes, yes it is.

The very first night (Monday), I was up until about midnight just dinking around with nothing, really. I don't remember what I was doing, actually. I think my roommate talked me into playing video games. They're evil time-sucking bandits. Last night I was up until 11:05 just doing homework, and last night was the first official night of school, so it was my first night of having homework. And I only had homework for ONE class. But, before you get all sympathetic for me, please note that I spent my afternoon watching the BBC versions of "Prince Caspian" and "The Voyage of the Dawn Treader", and I spent my evening (7-9:30) playing volleyball at a local gym with my cousin (and other people, of course). So, I pretty much screwed myself over. And tonight, well...so far I've attempted to make posters for my girlfriend (didn't get very far, the damn scanner is broken) and work on my homework for my Graphic Services class. And, well, writing this blog takes a little bit o' time as well. Plus, I still have some reading to do for my Intro to Music class and I think I have to do a whole worksheet packet for my Communication Law & Ethics class. Woot.

~peace, love and pixels for all~

first day

It's the first day of the quarter. As with all first days (of anything), it's a little exciting, stressful, adventerous and disappointing all at once. Since it is Tuesday (as the usual first day—Monday—was a holiday), I only had two classes today but I also had to work. So far I kind of like my classes. My Graphic Services class is probably going to occupy a sizeable chunk of my time, but I think it could be really fun. Unfortunately, due to scheduling conflicts, I am the only member of the class who will be missing an hour per week of class time. It was originally scheduled as a 3 hour (3 credit) class that met once a week on Tuesday mornings from 8-11. However, I had another class scheduled on Tuesday at 10 and 3 other people in the class have a class scheduled that morning at 8. So, we added a class period on Thursdays from 9-10 (which fit everybody's schedules) and then subtracted the first hour from the Tuesday meeting time (which allowed those with 8 o' clock engagements to be "off the hook", so to speak). Yet I still have to miss one hour on Tuesdays which gives me a total of 2 hours each week and I would honestly much rather have those two hours be in a row than seperated by a whole day. But, what can you do. In other news, my Web Design: Multimedia Special Effects class got moved on me from 8 a.m. Monday and Wednesday to 11 a.m. Monday and Wednesday, which just so happens to be at the same time as 2 out of 4 Comm Law and Ethics classes that I have each week. So, that's fun. I haven't gotten that resolved yet and I still haven't filled out my senior outline because of these conflicts. Woot.